Way Back When

I love this song from Kodaline. It makes me feel young in a way that I have never been.

When I was a child, I didn’t really had friends from outside. I was more of an indoor girl. I was used to being alone because that was the rule for me. I can never go outside without a chaperone as if I was the Princess of England or something. The years went by and my life was built around school and our home. Then I got to be in college. I was seventeen on my first semester and I was still just that lonesome girl waiting by for a new adventure that never truly came. My mom, who I started living with when I started college, decided to get me a friend as if I was in desperate need of company. I was. But I can never admit that, of course.

Anyway, this friend became annoying and sweet all at the same time. It was confusing. It was even more confusing when the fact of him being around was because of my mom keeps on popping in my head. I can’t really share my entirety to him because of it until we talked about it. We were close but not too close then when he admitted that he really befriended me as a favor. But then he confessed that if he didn’t like to be around me, he wouldn’t be. I thought of that as a compliment, I guess. When we were just starting out, my mom keeps bugging me to be better, to be a lady because I might scare my new friend away. I was offended by that; my fragile feelings hanging on a thread especially when she pointed out that he might give up on me because I was weird. That was what she really thought of me but she tried to pass it as a thought of someone else. By then, I knew that if my mother couldn’t accept who I really was then no one can. That was until he and I really became true friends.

The best memory of those few weeks was that hazy afternoon where we played an old game with some of the adults and some of the kids. I hadn’t experienced a real game outside, on the streets, before and my childhood was catching up to me. That’s what I’m remembering now as I listen to Kodaline’s Way Back When. Being a kid, having no worries and no troubles, no malice and no complications…I never really had that due to my long dramatic history. Looking back, I know that I enjoyed those days and I’m happy even if they were short lived. We only get one chance at childhood? I don’t think that’s true. We have one shot at life and I made it worth it because of that one day, that one real friendship, that one and a half month of pure awesomeness and simplicity.

I wish I could relive it, though, despite the hardships that came after. Our friendship was flawed in so many ways more than others and I wish I could’ve done better to have kept it. But even if we have no more communication now, just mere hopes, I am still glad that we had that ‘way back when’ moment. Someday, I know: I’ll be free again. Right now, I’m a caged bird but I will have my time in the sky where I could spread my wings. I will free myself and I will fly. I will feel young and careless and wild again. Just like way back when.


Beating Heart

I feel weird. Actually, I don’t feel weird. I feel hurt. For the first time in months, there was suddenly this strong tug at my heart and for a moment, just a moment, I was out of breath and I couldn’t breathe.

No one ever made me feel so happy. And I know that I should’ve prepared myself better because he’s the only one to make me feel so opposite of that. He’s the only one capable of doing that.

He by the way means this guy who has been in my life for years now and I’ve come across this certain stage where he and I became so close that there was no turning back from that. I didn’t want to lose it, my control and my sentimental outlook for our friendship, but I did. I lost it. I fell and during that long windy fall, I became the happiest that I could be. No worries. No stress. No nothing. I’ve never been just happy but I was…with him.

How am I going back from that now? He could hurt me. Unintentionally, probably. But he could. And by the way hisĀ  ‘ex’ is coming across right now, I don’t think that our time of happiness has run out. Maybe he couldn’t really hurt me. But she can. And my fears are all so little and stupid, really. But (which I say a lot) could you blame me? Is there really a reason for me to fear this and feel hurt…? I don’t know what to do anymore and he’s making me crazy and unsure and strange and human. I feel human. I could feel my humanly beating heart against my chest and it’s running faster and faster as the hours and the days grow farther and farther from the promise of ever seeing each other again. It’s all so dramatic and I know that he really hates that.

He’s just really a simple person. And now, I guess, I could trust to that. I could trust that he won’t hurt me. Who could agree with me?

John Green: That;s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.

John Green: That;s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.