I tried to reinvent myself this summer despite the many indecisive days that came my way. I finally figured out that no matter how hard you try to keep things around, it just doesn’t work that way. The world is ever changing. And so shall I.
It wasn’t a big deal to cut my hair; heck people do it all the time. But it was a big change for me because I was cutting my hair to the least imaginable style I had come to think of. I always wanted my hair long. I kept it that way. But like all girls going through some difficult times (me being completely lost and confused), I took the ultimate step and finally let the stylist start working his shears through my thick Auburn hair.
I read The Fault in Our Stars and Hazel seemed impossible to take in as a character because she was going through something I might never understand. Still, today, I tried to connect with her as I ordered a cut resembling hers. I await the days of the movie adapting the book and with it I await my mother’s wrath for me because I made a choice she doesn’t want.
I had to do it sometime. With this, I have a fresh start, a new year as summer ends and it’s out with the old and in with the new and better risk-taking version of me.
Future surrounds a lot of big words. Well, at least I think it does.
Whenever I think about the future, it’s like entering a whole different universe. For me, back then, my future lies in college and graduation. After? It was work, insurance, salary, rent and a whole lot of others that complicates life even more. What I never found in those words is balance. I can’t balance my time, my money, my friends, my work or even my church. I’ve always been a bad Catholic but I would like attending the mass every once in a while.
Living now, in this future I have pictured for myself years before, makes me wonder if all along we were meant to picture something else once we get it. The Future can be irritatingly predictable. But that is based on how you play your cards right. The word for my future today is patience. I need it. There is more of it in me than I ever suspected. Why do I want patience, you ask?
I know that there will be more big and bigger words in my upcoming future…because this is not it. I am happy, somehow, but I am never contented. And that’s saying something; that’s wrong. When you’re happy in where you are, what you do, who you’re with, you are supposed to be contented with what you have. I don’t know if it’s just me never settling down or if it’s my human nature contesting the difference between happiness and ‘something-else’ but I want to find out for myself and I can’t just lie around waiting for another Future of mine to come true when I know that I should get out of the door, seldom look back and keep going in looking for it.
Big words, big future. It’s all up to you. And now I’m thinking how Future, for me, resembles Living. Six letters, one word, two syllables.
I feel weird. Actually, I don’t feel weird. I feel hurt. For the first time in months, there was suddenly this strong tug at my heart and for a moment, just a moment, I was out of breath and I couldn’t breathe.
No one ever made me feel so happy. And I know that I should’ve prepared myself better because he’s the only one to make me feel so opposite of that. He’s the only one capable of doing that.
He by the way means this guy who has been in my life for years now and I’ve come across this certain stage where he and I became so close that there was no turning back from that. I didn’t want to lose it, my control and my sentimental outlook for our friendship, but I did. I lost it. I fell and during that long windy fall, I became the happiest that I could be. No worries. No stress. No nothing. I’ve never been just happy but I was…with him.
How am I going back from that now? He could hurt me. Unintentionally, probably. But he could. And by the way his ‘ex’ is coming across right now, I don’t think that our time of happiness has run out. Maybe he couldn’t really hurt me. But she can. And my fears are all so little and stupid, really. But (which I say a lot) could you blame me? Is there really a reason for me to fear this and feel hurt…? I don’t know what to do anymore and he’s making me crazy and unsure and strange and human. I feel human. I could feel my humanly beating heart against my chest and it’s running faster and faster as the hours and the days grow farther and farther from the promise of ever seeing each other again. It’s all so dramatic and I know that he really hates that.
He’s just really a simple person. And now, I guess, I could trust to that. I could trust that he won’t hurt me. Who could agree with me?
John Green: That;s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.
It’s great to see how the world can get crazy at something and you get to be a part of it. It’s like you’re in this great big bubble that only someone who ‘gets’ you could understand and that people outside of that bubble could just stare and silently mouth words that you can’t hear because you are in that bubble…alongside thousands of others who are consciously falling all over for something big to be part of.